Harris Football Yacht Glossary


 * Absodamnlutely: The most definitive adverb that Harris uses to assure the bartenders of the world that he will tip them, even if they have never made him a drink. Commonly used during yacht quarantines while under the influence of home-made cocktails.
 * Almanac: Harris' annual, twice-updated (after the initial release), compendium of all knowledge on every fantasy-relevant offensive player (note: Harris does not consider individual kickers of fantasy relevance). Plus pithy notes on team defenses.
 * Amendizzle: oft-injured journeyman and current Lions' WR Danny Amendola
 * Amherst mowing club: home to mowing enthusiasts in Amherst, MA. Leader of mowing clubs nation wide. Believe vehemently the best time to mow is from 9am-12pm EST.
 * Andy Behrens: Harris' oldest pal (that we know of), friend of TLPTC, enemy of Opossums.
 * Antonio Brown phylum: any wide receiver, arbitrarily 5'10" or shorter, who is quick, fast, and is not duckhanded
 * Apex Manor: band that performs "Under the Gun", the opening theme for TLPTC.
 * Aunt Nora: Harris' aunt, Cousin Josh's mother. She's just trying to help you.
 * Baby Horse Giraffe: Adrian Peterson of the Washington football team (not pertaining to his earlier career), because that's what Harris is reminded of when seeing him run; there's just something off
 * Baggy Awards: Cousin Josh's preseason, midseason, and postseason awards for players he doesn't like. Sometimes with good reason, sometimes not. But always entertaining. Awards include: Biggest Trashbag, Stealth Trashbag, etc.
 * Baker Mayfield Blues Implosion: the 2018 Cleveland Browns (lead by rookie QB Baker Mayfield), presumably named by Harris in homage to the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion.
 * Basura time: garbage time (a common football term for the inflated offensive stats resulting from gains made when the other team has the game well in hand and is mere going through the motions). Basura being Spanish for "garbage".
 * BetDSI: The place Harris plays the games. But only for small amounts, and mainly for fun.
 * Bitchin' Kamara: Saints' RB Alvin Kamara. Harris likes him as much as the Dead Milkmen song from which his nickname is taken (no snark, there's a lot of love here)
 * Brett Kollmann: Friend of TLPTC and host of The Film Room on YouTube, where he, like Harris, tries to teach us layfolk how to watch film to evaluate NFL talent. Co-host of FDLU (see: FDLU).
 * Brock Icewater: former Broncos' starting and current Dolphins' backup QB (for now), and professional Robert Pattinson lookalike, Brock Osweiler. Because he plays like your average NFL QB would if he were quite often dunked in near-freezing H2O.
 * Category 1: reasons for choosing a fantasy starter that those of us not plugged into the NFL or a specific team can possibly know. For example, whether said player is talented.
 * Category 2: reasons for choosing a fantasy starter that those of us not plugged into the NFL or a specific team typically CANNOT know. For example, whether the coach of said player is reluctant to play him because of off-the-field issues, or whether a pulled hamstring can be played through at close to 100% or merits a multi-week benching.
 * Chase Volume: Fictional player that one frantic emailer mistakenly searched for in their league. Truly an elite talent.
 * Cheese plate: wooden serving equipment for certain dairy products absconded with by Cousin Josh after less-than-stellar service at a European restaurant
 * Children of the possum: Listeners of TLPTC.
 * Chris Harris:
 * 1) Host and creator of TLPTC. Sole inhabitant of The Yacht. The more famous Chris Harris.
 * 2) CB for the Denver Broncos. The less famous Chris Harris.
 * Clipboard Jesus:
 * Coaches Lie: A favorite saying of Robot Talia and Harris alike, stressing that you should not believe all the words that come out of a coach's mouth regarding future plans, because they have no reason to tell the truth, and every reason not to
 * Coachspeak: the politically correct, whitewashed language that comes of out NFL coaches' mouths, especially in post-game interviews
 * Coughing Wench: a rant from Harris in which a lady *literally* coughed on him during the entire movie.
 * Cousin Josh: Christopher's mini-waisted, Chipotle and Matthew Stafford-loving cousin. AKA Narrow Man
 * Craig Clark: friend of TLPTC and DFS expert. Formerly a guest every Thurs to discuss DFS lineups. Unlike Harris, a huge fan of pop musicians like Ke$ha and Britney Spears.
 * Crutch Argument: a logical fallacy wherein one begins with a fact, then uses that fact to emphatically support one side of a debate when the opposite side could just as easily hold true. A phrase probably coined by Harris when he was on TV working for a network that shall not be named, back in those dark times before TLPTC was birthed. See: Too Many Mouths to Feed.
 * e.g. The Bills' quarterback play is awful, so LeSean McCoy will be leaned on heavily, making him a great fantasy start. Here, the fact that the Bills' quarterback play is awful is the fact, but this could also mean that their opponents' defense knows to focus on McCoy, resulting in him being useless for fantasy purposes.
 * Cumulative: the one word Harris cannot pronounce for the life of him
 * Deviant Parker: Dolphins' under-performing WR Devante Parker.
 * Dog Sausage: Ryan Tannehill. Because his play is the quality of sausage one would feed to dogs.
 * Duck Hands: Former Giants Tight End Larry Donnell, founder of the Duck Family. Harris once proclaimed that Donnell doesn't merely have cinderblocks where his hands should be, but instead has "wooden ducks for hands." See also: Duck Hands Jr., Uncle Duck, Duck Tats, and Goldi-Duck.
 * Duck Hands Jr.: Eagles' WR Jordan Matthews. See: Duck Hands.
 * Duck Heart: Broncos' WR Demariyus Thomas, who, given his size would be expected to be able to withstand a great deal of punishment, yet shies away from catching balls thrown to him in the slot
 * Duck Tats: Buccaneers' WR Mike Evans. See: Duck Hands
 * Eyeroll: Robot Talia's favorite saying, as, being disembodied, she is not physically able to roll her nonexistent eyes.
 * Farts and whistles: nonsense that teams often announce, and beat writers repeat, that really amounts to nothing. May also consist of irrelevant, or nearly irrelevant facts, e.g. "Rookie Quarterback A was college roommates with Wide Receiver B, so they have a great rapport." See: The Year We Fight Back.
 * Fascist emails: Harris' communications with upcoming guests to TLPTC in the summer of 2018
 * Fat Eddie: Eddie Lacy, former Packers' and Seahawks' RB #bamalamalam
 * Film Don't Lie University (FDLU): A limited three week series of YouTube videos from the 2018 preseason where Harris and Brett Kollmann teach YOU how to identify the fantasy super stars of tomorrow, while avoiding the fantasy busts of today.
 * Film Futures: a segment on TLPTC towards the end of the fantasy football season, wherein Harris' watches film of young and upcoming NFL players who have not yet achieved fantasy relevance, but may soon. His stated rationale is that he wants to keep the podcast interesting for those fantasy managers whose teams are, shall we say, less likely to win it all.
 * FitzPumpkin: what you're left with when the brief Fitzmagic wears off. For those not familiar, Fitzmagic is the nickname of journeyman backup QB and current Buccaneer Ryan Fitzpatrick for the partial seasons he goes on a fantasy tear
 * Flag Players: Players that Harris is willing to put his flag on and claim that will do well this fantasy football season.
 * Frag Players: Players that Cousin Josh thinks will be bad this fantasy football season, the opposite of flag players.
 * Flexual healing: a Thursday segment on TLPTC that aims to help listeners choose how to fill their flex position. Because Harris is philosophically against ranking flex positions, he instead polls his audience for specific WR and RBs they are most considering flexing, and suggests risky and safe crossover points
 * Flyover Country: the area of the United States in between Los Angeles and New York. Loathed by Liz Loza, likely due to her love/hate relationship with the Underwear Olympics (see infra.)
 * Footie pajamas: a fluffy onesie emblazoned with the New England Patriots' mascot. Also: what Harris wears when he takes off his Mott and Bow jeans for the night.
 * Funyuns: the brittle onion snack that comprised the collarbones of former NFL RB Ryan Mathews
 * Future Gym Teachers of America: almost all of the non-D1 FBS college players. As they are not NFL-level talents, it's difficult to judge if the NFL-level talents that beat up on them will be above average at the next level or not, e.g. Carson Wentz playing for NDSU.
 * Golden Crowell: former Brown, Jets, and Raiders' RB Isaiah Crowell
 * Goldi-Duck: Bills' WR Cole Beasley. See: Duck Hands.
 * Harris After Dark: gone but not forgotten additional podcast where Harris and John Anik and then Jim McCormick picked each game against the spread. Or at least John and Jim did. Harris occasionally pushed. AKA The After Party.
 * Hippo on roller skates: who does this remind you of? If you said former Bengals' RB Jeremy Hill, pat yourself on the back, you won! He's currently out for the season with a torn ACL. Which is really what you'd expect if a hippo tried to put on roller skates, right?
 * Honey Bunches of Funchess: Panthers' WR Devin Funchess, because Harris finds this nickname turns out to be funnier than Honey Funchess of Oats
 * Horse Donovan: Harris' nickname for Jimmy Graham. Presumably because he is much larger than Mouse Morrison. No relation to friend of LTS, Breve Bronovan, hoarse Donovan or Bojack Horseman.
 * Huggy Awards: preseason, midseason, and postseason awards given by Harris, incl. Love at First Site, Player I Don't Want to Think About Anymore, Fantasy MVP, and various and sundry other awards named after the situations of recent players (such as the Keenan Allen Bounceback Award).
 * Human brain fart: Harris' nickname for former Saints' TE Coby Fleener; all-time great mixtape (see: Listener Mixtape)
 * Ice floe: Where a coach will be sent after a terrible season of coaching. The icefloe eventually came for Jim Caldwell.
 * Infinite Sadness: The WR3 tier of Fantasy WRs in the NFL, where any given Sunday one can be relevant, but most are not.
 * Jacked Gerbil: Harris' affectionate nickname for Raiders' RB Josh Jacobs. "Jacked Gerbil" is a play on words only a thesaurus could love - it's an ode to Jacobs' film resembling former fantasy darling Doug Martin, AKA Muscle Hamster.
 * Juggernaut: gone but not forgotten side project by Chris Harris, a weekly podcast devoted to his many non-football-related interests, such as writing, music, and film
 * Keyser Söze
 * 1) a character discussed in the 1995 film, Usual Suspects, of whom nothing concrete is known by police or the underworld, yet who has achieved legendary status.
 * 2) Harris' nickname for former Raven and current Brown Breshad Perriman.
 * "Kicked in the little Ajayis": An all-time great mixtape (see Listener Mixtape) to the tune of "Live and Let Die"; also, what happens when you play current Eagle/former Dolphin RB, Jay Ajayi. Not because he lacks talent, but because there's often some combination of injury and/or something we can't know about going on in between his ears.
 * Kitten Mittens: the invisible gloves worn by top-tier NFL pass catchers like Larry Fitzgerald, Antonio Brown, or Jarvis Landry. The opposite of Duck Hands & Murder Holes.
 * Laxatives Murray: Latavius Murray, the current backup RB for the Saints, so dubbed due to an unfortunate autocorrect, though he is about as exciting to insert into your lineup as Dulcolax.
 * Listener Mixtape: amazing parodies created by the Yacht Club, essentially what Weird Al Yankovic would create if his only source of material were TLPTC. Do not blame Harris that they are not technically mixtapes, the name was decided by a listener poll!
 * Living the Stream (LTS): the weekly podcast hosted by friends of TLPTC, Denny Carter and JJ Zachariason, wherein they spend about 50% of their time talking about streaming QBs, TEs, DSTs, and kickers, and the other 50% talking about Denny's awful food taeks, garbage Twitter fandoms, and Dad running (especially now that JJ is in the club).
 * Long speed: above average long range velocity when unobstructed until full speed is reached. This trait does not always correlate with short range speed (see: quick).
 * Mack Weldon: the only place to go on the internet to replace your stinky underwear.
 * Mashed Potato Mountain: former Browns' TE Gary Barnidge. Not one of Harris' favorite NFL talents.
 * McCaffrey bench press: small-boned Christian McCaffrey's unimpressive (by NFL standards) combine result of 10 reps of 225 lbs. At the same point in time, our intrepid podcast host could bench more than this, despite being approximately 8 decades older (if you take him at his word about being ancient).
 * Melancholy and the Infinite WR3 Sadness: the ever-expanding list of nausea inducing wide receivers that you don't feel comfortable inserting into your starting lineup, but are capable of putting up points without any rhyme, reason, or predictability. Derived from the album Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness by The Smashing Pumpkins.
 * Melly Gordon: Melvin Gordon, the Chargers' 2nd best running back if don't watch film and/or judge RB talent strictly by YPC. See: YPC.
 * Mitch Don't Kill My Lineup: walk up music for MITCH (@mitchdontlie), Harris' guest on his Thursday DFS shows. Parody of "Bitch, Don't Kill My Vibe" by Kendrick Lamar
 * Mott and Bow: long time sponsor of TLPTC and makers of the only pants Harris ever wears, as far as we know. The final word of their name is inexplicably pronounced like the forward part of the hull of a ship rather than what you use to shoot an arrow. This fact was unknown to Harris for several years, and still is a source of great shame.
 * Mouse Morrison: the protagonist of Harris' novel, Slotback Rhapsody, based very loosely on real-life small-boned RB, Danny Woodhead
 * Mr. Robot: Lions' WR Tyrell Williams. Because apparently there's a similarly-named character on this USA Network TV show, one of Harris' faves.
 * Murder Holes:
 * 1) narrow windows in Medieval castles through which arrows could be shot and hot tar poured out to kill invaders
 * 2) Eric Ebron's hands. The opposite of Kitten Mittens.
 * Not in my league: Phrase commonly heard by Harris and Cousin Josh after proposing fantasy football trades. Commonly followed by the person using this phrase to provide their Gmail so they can join such an "easy" league.
 * Opossum: trash-loving creatures hated by most, including Cousin Josh and Andy Behrens, though Andy somehow believes they are photogenic when everyone knows they are not
 * Parts Unknown: the most common residence of those who send in snark
 * Petey Sunshine: Pete Carroll, the relentlessly over-optimistic coach of the Seattle Seahawks, at least as concerns future outlook for every single player on his team. See also: Coaches lie
 * Ponies: baby horses, according to Harris once on a show. Also: lesser NFL talents
 * Quick: Harris shorthand for skill players who may or may not have great long speed, but are elusive, likely also possessing above-average stop foot, go foot abilities. See also: stop foot, go foot
 * Robot Eva: Robot Talia's prototype. Given her oft antagonistic asides, it appears that she likely would fail Asimov's first two laws of Robotics, which is perhaps why she is only allowed out in the world once a year, for the Annual Huggy and Baggy Awards
 * Robot Josh: Cousin Josh's own personal Robot Talia. The android voice who comforts Cousin Josh by telling him what hour of the day it is, every hour on the hour
 * Robot Talia: Harris' trusty sidekick who announces segment intros and makes the occasional snarky comment. Named after Talia Osteen, singer from the band The Wellspring and real life friend of Chris
 * Root for Laundry: Kareem Hunt
 * Señor Baby Bjorn: Phillip Rivers.￼
 * Seven Nation Army: Bengals' WR Ja'Marr Chase. Named for his troubles dropping passes in the 2021 preseason, his reasoning being "NFL ball is harder to catch than NCAA ball, harder to see without white stripes".
 * Silly strings and sadness: the purported composition of the hamstrings of erstwhile Chicago Bear and current Philadelphia Eagle Alshon Jeffrey
 * Small bones: What all RBs under 5'10" and 205 lbs have. The reason they can't be featured backs in the NFL for any significant length of time
 * Smoked Ham: Ravens' WR John Brown. Because noted vegetarian Christopher Harris has to have a meat-related nickname for everyone in the NFL. See also: The Rebellion.
 * Snark: ribbing sent in by listeners to good-naturedly mock our intrepid host for the wacky and occasionally downright errant material that sometimes comes out of his mouth. The last segment of most shows.
 * Stefon Diggity: Bills' WR Stefon Diggs. He's not a trashbag at all.
 * Stew Beef: Former Panther (and, nominally, current Giants') RB Jonathan Stewart. One of the several meat-related nicknames created by Harris despite the fact that he is an avowed vegetarian.
 * Stop foot, go foot: phraseology to describe how film watchers determine whether a player, especially a RB, can quickly adjust their forward vector and regain velocity.
 * Sunk By A Hug: A hotline which encouraged callers to detail "Chris Harris" sightings in their everyday life.
 * T-Rich Balloon: Trent Richardson
 * Tapeworms: fantasy football analysts like Harris and Kollmann who primarily source their advice by watching game film. They do not reject stats, but realize their limitations
 * Ted Duck, Jr.: former Saints' WR Ted Ginn, Jr. See: Duck Hands
 * The Godfather of Troll: small-boned 49ers' RB Matt Breida. Because if a single gif were to define his on-field presence, it would be this one: http://gph.is/1cjfgdM
 * The Human Joystick: Tarik Cohen. He's the fastest RB in the NFL and darts around the field as if he were being controlled in a video game.
 * The Little Podcast That Could (TLPTC): Harris' old nickname for his baby, back before it became the raging behemoth it is today
 * The Rebellion: former Cardinal and current Ravens' WR John Brown. If you don't get the reference, look up "John Brown (abolitionist)" on Wikipedia. See also: Smoked Ham.
 * The Usurper/The Destroyer of Worlds: Frank Gore, because of his tendency to steal your favorite running back's carries in his senior NFL years, flying in the face of all talent, logic, and reason.
 * The Wellspring: band that created and performs "Say Yes", the closing theme of TLPTC. Duo, one of whom is Talia Osteen, Harris' real life friend and namesake of Robot Talia.
 * The Whizzinator: Lions' RB Kerryon Johnson, because his nickname has to be a play on his name and "Wayward Son" and "Bohemian Rhapsody" are too easy. If you're traveling by plane to take a urine test you would store your substitute urine in a carry-on johnson.
 * The Year We Fight Back: Harris' clarion call to the Yacht Club in 2018 to maintain #ClickDiscipline and not reward nonsense clickbait articles or listen to A-block filler drivel, both full of farts and whistles. See: farts and whistles.
 * This is a guy: the four most common words that will come out of any fantasy football analyst (other than Harris)'s mouth. Presumed to allow a precious extra 2.3 seconds for purposes of vamping.
 * This is a show: What TLPTC is
 * Too Many Mouths to Feed: a crutch argument that goes, "there are too many usable players in this offense, which lowers the value of all of them and makes the lesser ones untouchable for fantasy." While this was arguably true of your father's NFL, it is not always the case in the current pass-happy NFL. Some recent examples of why this argument doesn't always hold true: the 2017 Saints RB duo of Kamara and Ingram, Sean McVay's Rams offense.
 * Trashbag: any football player Cousin Josh doesn't like. Often because said player is "too thick"
 * Turkey Mayo: Tevin Coleman. He's certainly no Pastrami on Rye. Take your mayo and get out of here.
 * Uncle Duck: Brandon LaFell. See: Duck Hands
 * Underscore Baron: Friend of TLPTC, Jim McCormick, so nicknamed by Harris because his the foundation of his family's old money was the creation of the underscore symbol, not because his Twitter handle stars with an underscore.
 * Underwear Olympics: annual event in Indianapolis where recently departed college students get poked, prodded, and run around without pads on.
 * Wagon: Harris' favorite term for a high functioning offense. Ancillary players can become useable if the offense becomes a wagon.
 * Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman: Jameis Winston, because his undisciplined on-the-field activity reminds Harris of this car dealership promotion vehicle
 * Whistle Past the Graveyard: pretending everything is fine, when it most certainly is not. A common form of coachspeak.
 * White Shrek: former Colts' QB Andrew Luck. Admit it, the only differences between him and the animated Mike Myers character are the skin color and neckbeard.
 * Yacht: the large boat some imagine Chris lives on in Los Angeles
 * Yacht Club: us, the poor followers destined to watch #yachtlife from the shoreline, albeit to soothing baby grand piano tunes.
 * You can't legislate usage: one of Robot Talia's favorite phrases, meaning that we cannot know ahead of time what volume any given player will be given in a game.
 * YPC: Yards per carry. Don't even get us started.
 * Zombie Alfred Blue: the Texans' second (third?)-string RB, who shuffles along with the speed and grace of the undead